Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Procrastination

Why the hell has it taken me so long to write this?

Procrastination is an intransitive verb that simply means to delay something, to postpone it, or to put an action off until later.  Somehow the spoken word itself has an auditory connotation that feels vaguely sexual to me, but that could just be my dirty mind.  Or it could be because procrastination is akin to self-abuse.  When we sheepishly utter those shameful words, "I procrastinate," we are admitting to ourselves (and to others) that we have somehow lost control of our ability to enact a plan or fulfill a vision--or to pay a bill on time, buy a birthday card or make a lunch date with someone we don't really like very much.  Procrastination is bad and ugly, but we all do it.

Why?

The simple answer is if you are procrastinating a task then you don't really want to do that task at all.  You're not just putting it off, you're putting it as far away as you possibly can until you absolutely have to face it with no two ways around it.  This is obvious, but what isn't so obvious is why you have to do the task in the first place.  This requires some observation and introspection.

Some chores are mandatory.  If you don't do the dishes on a regular basis then the dishes pile up, there's nothing to eat on after a few meals, and twelve months later you're being featured on "Hoarders: Buried Alive" as that freak who never did the dishes and now has a family of rats living in her sink.  Carpooling is another mandatory chore.  You can't procrastinate carpooling or your kids and your neighbor's kids won't get to school (or back) and then suddenly you'll find yourself living in a neighborhood infested with stupid, immature criminals and you're their Mama.

Other chores aren't mandatory, but they are desirable if you want to maintain your health and sanity. Like putting your clothes back in the closet when you finish laundering them.  Or picking up all those scraps of junk mail and receipts you seem to leave all over the house.  Or stocking up on toilet paper before you run out.   You don't HAVE to do these things, ever, but you probably should.  Procrastinate if you want, but know that you'll most likely end up doing this category of chores eventually or people you know and like will stop coming over for tea.

But then there are the things we take upon ourselves to do that we then find ourselves putting off.  Like volunteering to write an article for that church newsletter.   Or knitting a scarf for a second-tier friend.  Or cleaning the basement.  Or organizing your CDs (do people still have CDs?).  Or responding to a bevy of humorous but unimportant emails.  Or scrubbing the floor of the shower.  Or getting the dog's teeth cleaned.  Or writing the next Great American Novel.  These are the tasks that  feel good upon completion, but summoning the energy to do them is harder than licking lint.  They move from #10 to #4 on our To-Do lists and then, when they reach that coveted #3 spot, the spot where they might actually have to happen, one new email or phone call breezes in and suddenly, Chutes & Ladders,  they're pushed back down to the bottom of the list.  For another year.


You will procrastinate all tasks you don't enjoy that you don't really need to do in the first place.


My advice to stop procrastinating is to stop committing to doing things you don't want to do. That seems simple enough--AND IT IS.  Just don't do it.  Consider your consequences. Are they really so terrible?  Let's see:

The church newsletter doesn't get your article so someone else steps in and you get a reputation as being unreliable.  So what?  You're off the hook forever for that insidious job!  Your good-hearted religious friends will have to understand because religion teaches us infinite tolerance and acceptance, hiyah, hiyah.

Your distant friend doesn't get the scarf you promised to make him.  Will he freeze to death come Winter?  And would that really be on you if he did?  You can always buy him a scarf if you feel that guilty about it, and then just blame your carpal tunnel.

You didn't clean the basement (or attic or garage) so now your children will clean it when you die and they'll find your moldy treasures and get rich off them, or throw them in the trash.  Who cares?  You're dead!  If you haven't looked at or used the stuff down there for at least three years, chances are you never needed it in the first place.  So is there really a loss?  If you have The Most Precious Thing In The World down there you would have put it on your mantle in a glass dome instead of storing it next to those paisley cummerbunds (and porn) you found at that weird garage sale.

You didn't organize the CD's.  Big deal.  It's not like you can't find the song you want to listen to when you want to hear it anyway, right?  CD collections are like your VHS movie collection or your cousin's coin collection or your Grandma's crystal animals collection.  Rethink it:  the fun is that they remain random and useless.

The funny emails go unanswered and unforwarded.  Do you think the idiots who sent them will stop sending them because they didn't get a reply?  Chances are Not.

So you don't clean the floor of the shower.  Twice a year hire someone to do it for you.  You'll miss the $50 but you'll save yourself some gross afternoons.

So the dog's teeth didn't get cleaned, and he spent his last three years toothless.  Yeah, that's pretty shitty.  You should take care of your dog, asshole.

As for writing the next Great American Novel, if you procrastinate on that then it wasn't inspired and worth writing and no one would have wanted to read it anyway.  If it WAS worth writing, you'd be writing it.  All of the excuses in your life would fall away because you would channel your passion and summon your creative forces and the book would take precedence.  Art is unprocrastinateable.  Instead of dreaming about writing it, you would shut the door, disconnect the modem, turn off the phone, staple your spouse's mouth shut and you would write it.  You Just Would.

No one procrastinates playing golf.  No one procrastinates flying to Europe for free.  No one procrastinates going to an amusement park.  No one procrastinates eating cookies.  No one procrastinates visiting a dying, beloved relative.   We all procrastinate paying our taxes, but think of the relief you'd feel if you just hunkered down and put your figures together and sent in your package on January 2nd (or the day you get your W-2).  When everyone else if freaking out in April you'll be kicking up your heels and drinking a martini.  Try it in 2012 and you'll see what I mean.

If you don't want to do something, just admit you don't want to do it and then don't do it.  And if you have to do it, if you have to pull the weeds from the garden yourself, rip off that band-aid and do it as quickly as possible and be glad it's done and pat yourself on the back for being responsible.  Then see if you can rethink your choices and avoid getting yourself into that position where you may have to do it again.  This may require more money, but that's for another post.

Think about your choices.  Do it.  Go think.  Now.