Life and Death and Life

My Great Uncle Myron Reis died this morning at about 3am.  He was both Great in the technical terminology of our relationship, being my maternal grandmother’s brother (accordingly I am termed a Grand Nephew), and he was Great as in fantastic, wondrous and eminent in my life.   My maternal grandfather died when I was three and Uncle Mike didn’t just fill the void, he more than overstuffed it with an unwavering positivity, intelligence, warmth and guidance, generosity and care. It has always been easy to start a statement with, “My Great Uncle Mike” and let the description straddle both purposes.

He nearly died six years ago and we all held our breath, but in the ensuing years he reminded us, by example, that life isn’t just to be treasured, it actually makes us richer the more we share it.  As he physically weakened and his world compressed he continued to expand himself by quietly sustaining the details: holding my Great Aunt Jane’s hand or stealing a kiss, watching deer prance through their upstate backyard, explaining the history of a restaurant, a play, a writer, an actor, a singer, a building, a town, a religion, all of New York City or even the world to come according to the New York Times’ Tuesday’s technology reviews…  He tired physically, but his unquenchable thirst for knowledge and happiness never abated.   Even at his most fatigued, he was always capable of a vibrant hug.  In short, he beamed life.

His last few weeks were rough and it’s easy to hold focus on what happened in the hospital, what didn’t happen in his recovery, what decisions would, should, or could have been made if the outcome was apparent from the forefront.  But in reality, as I learned it from Uncle Mike, none of that matters. 

All books have their last page.  All movies have a final credit.  All songs a last beat.  Even the brightest stars expire with a final burning ember.  Mike knew this, and he would be remiss if we concentrated on his final moments and forgot all the lessons learned in the preceding chapters of his life.  Lessons about craft and quality, personal fulfillment, the purpose of determination, and the meaning of success.  Piano lessons.  Writing lessons.  Art lessons.  Lessons about love.

Jane and the rest of us will ultimately move forward—Mike would insist upon this—but our current pause is assuredly accepted and appreciated.  It is entirely fair for us to fully miss this Great man and we will grieve for the loss of his future advice, the future enjoyment of meals, hospitality and rich conversation.  And, for certain, future stolen kisses.

I love you, my Great Uncle Mike.

A Few More Thoughts About Gay Marriage

Dear New York Senators,

Imagine if you were committed for 17 years but your government considered your spouse a roommate.
Imagine if you had to pay double for an adoption so you could both legally parent your child.
Imagine if you weren't allowed to even have that adoption.
Imagine if you were sick and your spouse was denied access to hold your hand in the hospital.
Imagine if you died and your possessions suddenly belonged to your parents instead of your spouse.
Imagine if you had to pay your accountant double to file your household taxes separately.
Imagine being with someone for 17 years but still checking the single box on forms.
Imagine risking your life for your country and being terminated for your sexual preference.
Imagine hiding your personal life from your coworkers or risking termination.
Imagine your coworkers utilizing corporate health insurance for their spouses while yours remains uninsured.
Imagine your parents being deprived of the wedding they dreamt for you all their lives.
Imagine being unaccepted.
Imagine being untolerated.
Imagine being bullied for something you cannot change.
Imagine if someone's religious beliefs trumped your civil rights.

No need to imagine. This is our reality.

Please fix it.

Michael Grant

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A Letter about Gay Marriage

Dear Senators,

I'm gay.  Does this scare you?  Probably not, because you don't know me.  And, when you think about it, why should it?   I'm anonymous to you.   However, you are not anonymous to me--you represent me.

I'm gay.  I'm also monogamous.  And spiritual.  Some say I'm also affable and even a little talented.  You represent me, but I represent a thousand others like me who struggle with the repression you have the power to change. 

I'm gay.  I'm 39.  I've been with my partner for 17 years.  We bought a home together, we've opened businesses together, we pay taxes and tolls like everyone else.  We are married in Massachusetts, but we are not married in New York.  We're not married federally.  How can this be?  How can I have a partner here and husband there?  How can rights only be right if you're on one side of a line?

I'm gay and I am not a threat to you;  I am a constituent.  I follow the laws and the rules.  I have heterosexual friends who do not have any children.  They can marry.  I have homosexual friends who DO have children--they cannot.   WHY?

I'm gay and the biggest question I ask you is Who Does It Hurt if our life together is recognized as a union by our government?  It's not as though there are a limited number of marriages being given out and our marriage would take away from someone else.  And even if that were the absurd case how can it be determined that the life we've built together is less-valuable to a government that benefits from our stability than, say, a quick hookup gone awry resulting in marriage?  Or a greencard marriage?  Or a forced or rushed marriage due to a pregnancy?

Any man and any woman can get married.  An 80-year-old can marry a 20-year-old.  Terminally ill people can marry.  Felons can marry.  Mentally unstable people can marry.  People can marry, divorce and then remarry.  If the only current requisite to issuing a marriage certificate is that Party A is XX and Party B is XY then there appears to be a misfire in the institutional synapses...

I understand your pressures.  You are a politician and you speak for a lot of people.  In order to continue speaking for people you need to tell the people what you think the people want to hear you say.  But you were also elected by the people because they trust that when it comes down to it you will make decisions that will be based on a clarity of truth, even if some of the people you speak for cannot see it.  

I saw a family walking out of a train station the other day.  They were gawking at a couple that got off the same train--holding hands.  The kids looked to their parents and said, "What's going on?"  The mother said, "They're holding hands."  One kid shouted, "but they're both boys!"  The mother and father looked at each other, not sure how to approach the subject or explain what they were all seeing to their children.  But then the older child said, "It's okay.  They're probably married."

And we all went on with our lives.

Michael Grant

Saratoga Springs

Mike's Tips for a Happy Life

When you have teeth, floss them.

Never eat before going on a roller coaster, even if it's a metaphorical one.

Do what your parents say until they're wrong, then just love and respect them.

Follow your heart.

Create.

Don't run up to strange dogs, whether they be canine or human. 

When in doubt, check Wikipedia or Amazon.

If you find yourself at the beach and you get sand in your ears, never use a q-tip to get it out.  Put your head to the side and use a baby-bulb to squirt warm water gently.  Let is swish around a bit and then tilt your head to drain it.  Repeat as necessary, and use a cotton ball (not a swab) to gently pick up any excess.  You can also add a little hydrogen peroxide in case the sand scratched the delicate flesh inside your ear, to avoid infections.  Don't worry, it won't sting, though the little bubbles may tickle.  It's okay, and possibly even expected, for you to curse at least once during this process.  Just remember the goal is to avoid damaging the drum at all costs.  This is good advice not just for sand in your ear, but for a broken heart as well.  Just use care, patience, diligence, and a little antiseptic.

Eat the most delicious food, which may or may not be the most expensive.

Listen to someone smart (Suze Orman, Robert Herjavec) when it comes to investing.  
I don't know anything about investing.

Seek out the good movies, not just the popular ones. 

Seek out the good people, not just the popular ones.

Wear gloves when cutting roses. 

It's okay to kill a mosquito.

Don't hoard.  

When given the chance, always choose at least two flavors of ice cream.

Write to your grandparents.  

Sing.  Dance.  Jump. 

If you want to win the Olympics be prepared to give up some free time. 

If you are making a film don't cast your mom unless your mom is Meryl Streep. 

Post lists like this on your blog, but don't expect a book deal.

And, finally, always remember that the reason you came here in the first place is to learn, to grow, to love, to master, to perceive, to contribute and share, to experience and explore, and to enjoy your connection with this amazing force we call life.  And if you happen to drive a nice car at some point, consider that a bonus.